This chapter will be a bit different as I’ve decided to write a small bit on how I am feeling currently. I thought it was a good idea to check in on my feelings and everything I've gone through.

It’s July 2024, and my birthday is in two days (25th July). The last couple of weeks have been quite intense for me for a lot of different reasons. Even though there’s so much more to read until we reach the actual point of being in July 2024, I needed to put down on paper how I am feeling right now.

July has been intense for me for different reasons. Let’s start by saying that I took a month-long break from dating and talking to anyone new. The real reason behind it was that I met this guy. He won’t have his own chapter, so I’ll talk about him here.

I met him on Raya, and we started chatting consistently every day. He lives between Tel Aviv and Paris, so I should have known from the beginning that this wasn’t going to work out. Why? Two reasons: first, the distance, even though that doesn’t scare me, and second, because he is Jewish.

Obviously, there’s nothing wrong with this, except that I will always be the person he has a good time with but never the person he would even consider marrying. He was quite honest early on, telling me he would never marry a non-Jewish girl, but unfortunately, I thought I could move past this and “enjoy” his company. Boy, it’s like I forget how attached I get to people.

A part of me still wonders why he would use so much of his energy on someone he knows he won’t date for the long term or marry. Of course, if he was in London, I would understand that he wants to have a “good time,” but we were so far from each other that he wasn’t getting any of that anyway.

Things became quite intense quite rapidly. We would call each other on FaceTime often, talk for hours about our day and what was going on in our lives, send each other funny videos on Instagram, and just generally catch up with each other. I knew all this was wrong, and my friends told me so many times that nothing good would come out of this, but for some reason, I didn’t listen.

He was supposed to come and see me in London but ended up going to Corsica on holiday instead. Obviously, I was quite disappointed and let him know. What I always appreciated about him was how open he was to communication. He would never leave me on read, always getting back to me and explaining why he was upset or acting a certain way. 

He knew I was upset and texted me a couple of days later to say he didn't know if I still wanted to talk to him because he thought I was pissed off at him for not coming. I said I was more disappointed than anything, as I really wanted to see him, but it was okay. His birthday was not long after, and I wished him a happy birthday. He said he was very grateful that I thought of him. I was extremely happy that he was so receptive to my kindness.

I really enjoyed his company. He was not only gorgeous but also had a great mind. We laughed a lot together, and I genuinely appreciated our conversations. Then, the conversation kind of died down. He used to send me “good morning pretty” and “good night darling” texts, and comment on my Instagram posts, but that stopped happening. I’m not sure how it happened, to be honest.

One day, he deactivated Instagram. At first, I thought he had blocked me, but I asked a couple of people to check his profile, and he wasn’t live anymore. Since then, I haven't heard any news from him. It felt so weird—we used to talk daily, and then suddenly, bam, he was out of my life. I have no idea how he's doing or what he's up to.

I was really frustrated by this and decided to try to move on by dating other people. I know it's the worst thing to do. 

I ended up going on holiday to Mykonos. I didn't really feel like flirting with anyone while I was there, but there was one person I couldn’t stop thinking about—a fling I had back in February. And, of course, because I am so weak, I decided to text him while drunk. Terrible mistake. This person, who shall not be nicknamed or named, answered back, and we had a very brief talk, which I deeply regretted the day after, to the point where I deleted the messages.

When I came back from Mykonos, I started going on random dates and talking to a few people without really thinking about it. No one and nothing gave me any sort of spark. 

Now we are back in July—because, yeah, all of this happened in June, but I needed to give a bit of context. I met this incredible person who ticks all the boxes, and is nice to me and caring. I won't say more about this as there will be a chapter about it, most likely.

So here we are in July, and what I'm feeling right now is very strange—a mix of emotions between sadness and happiness. How can I explain this without sounding weird?

My life is everything I wanted a couple of months ago. I live alone in an incredible area in Regent’s Park. I have the most supportive and caring friends. I go out a lot and enjoy life to the fullest. My modelling career is going pretty well, and my job makes me so happy as I get to work and learn from some incredible individuals every day. But one thing is missing. I am a relationship person. I need to feel loved and cared for. I crave attention, but I also crave the sparks, the laughs, the chemistry, and the challenges of being with someone.

I crave the difficulty, the messiness, and the attention from someone that doesn’t want me. This is how I roll, unfortunately. 

When I have a crush on someone, I can't see past it. I become obsessed with this person, thinking about them daily, overanalyzing our interactions, and pondering what I should have said or done. It feels like the universe has a different plan for me, but can I manifest him into my life right now? Why does the universe put me on the path of people who do not want me? Why do I develop such crushes, attraction, and chemistry with people who end up hurting me? It's rare for me to have a big crush on someone, but lately, I can't get this man out of my head. Remember that fling in February? Yep, that's the one.

Everything I do around him results in me bringing myself down and not empowering my self-worth and female gaze. It's frustrating to wonder why someone acts a certain way. Why do we connect so well and have such great chemistry when we meet, but then nothing ever comes from him? Why do I feel like I'm being taken for an idiot, yet also think that this person is genuinely nice and caring somehow?

This confusion weighs heavily on me. I question my self-worth, replaying every moment (even if they were few) we shared, trying to decipher hidden meanings or signals. It's a cycle that keeps me bound to hope, but also to disappointment. I want to break free, to find someone who values and reciprocates my feelings, but the pull of this one-sided crush is strong. 

I know I deserve better. I deserve someone who sees my worth and cherishes it. Yet, here I am, stuck in this emotional limbo, trying to understand why I can't let go. The universe may have its reasons, and perhaps there is a lesson here that I haven't yet grasped. But for now, all I can do is navigate these feelings, hoping for clarity and the strength to move forward, to find the love and connection I truly deserve.

This one person has really stuck with me, even though we’ve only hung out a couple of times. We had a great time together at a party, and spent a lot of time laughing. It felt like there was a real spark, but I’m left wondering why it didn’t lead to more. His presence definitely made an impression on me, and I find myself thinking about those moments and what might have been. Our time together was fun and memorable, and it’s clear that he left a significant impression on me. Having a crush on someone when it is not reciprocated is not fun let me tell you lol. 

Navigating these emotions has been a tumultuous journey, but it's one that's taught me invaluable lessons about myself. I've learned that my worth isn't defined by someone else's inability to see it. I've discovered the importance of self-love and the power of patience—both with myself and with the process of finding someone who truly values me.

The experiences with Gyn and others have shown me what I truly want in a partner: honesty, respect, and mutual admiration. I know now that I won't settle for anything less. Despite the heartache and confusion, these interactions have ultimately made me stronger and more self-aware.

As I sit here, on the cusp of my birthday, I'm filled with a mix of anticipation and uncertainty. I don't have all the answers, and that's okay. What's important is that I'm open to whatever the universe has in store for me next. Whether it brings new love, deeper friendships, or more time for self-discovery, I'm ready to embrace it.

For now, I'll continue to focus on my passions, cherish the supportive friends who uplift me, and trust that the right person will come along when the time is right. Until then, I'll keep learning, growing, and striving to become the best version of myself.

Here's to the journey ahead—unpredictable, challenging, and undoubtedly full of surprises. And as I turn another year older, I remain hopeful, resilient, and ready for whatever comes next.

Juliet